Poetry For The End Of The Year

So we've made it to the end of another year, mostly intact. Like many others this has been a rough year for me. One of the things that has gotten me through has been writing poetry. Some of this was from experiences this year, and some from past issues I've been "processing". I don't usually title my poems, so I'll just put each one in it's own paragraph. Enjoy.

I entered the forest at dawn
The trees still quietly dripping
from last nights rain.
The earth greedily drinking
the moisture, releasing lush smells
of spring and renewal.
There was fog-
Stilling the air like
an indrawn breath,
A lover waiting to exhale
At the touch of the Beloved,
The first kiss of the morning.


You never held me
As tenderly as I imagined,
As the Beloved holds me now.
It's me who holds you
I need only open my hands
to be free.
But you would fall,
the fire consume you.
I wanted to be your light
Never knowing how much
You loved the darkness.


I'm torn by this hunger
this need to be near you
Frustration, disapointment, anger,
none of it changes this connection.
I'm like a fish on a line-
And though I keep struggling,
Wanting my freedom
I can't shut you out
And the biggest irony is
You're not trying to get in.
I guess I could accept
your not wanting me easier
If I could only not want you
Back.


Wow. After reading that over it may seem like I had a pretty awful year. And it really wasn't, or large parts of it weren't anyway. I guess I just have a gift for channeling angst. That seems to be where my poetry mostly goes. So, no pretty rhymes about roses for me. That's okay, I'm easily bored by cute anyway.

In fact,I've never fit into a neat, easily labeled package, and I think that's the case for many others. I also think a good number of those people go around quietly hoping no one notices what freaks they are. Thinking they are in some weird minority that no one wants to have any contact with. When really, the freaks probably outnumber the "normals". And I guess that is partly true, unfortunately. The not wanting to have contact with freaks part I mean. People as a general rule do seem to be uncomfortable with "different". But I just want to say, I like different! I like weird! I even on occasion like freaky! And I hope everyone, normal or freaky, finds a way to get themselves through another year. Happy New Year!

What are holidays about?

I discarded a lot of ideas for what I wanted to write about in this first blog. The truth is I'm still rather conflicted about writing here at all. I don't want to sound preachy or out of touch with how the world actually works. So for the record, though I dislike talking about myself, I should make it clear that I am fully aware of how much the world and all of it's inhabitants can suck. That many people can and do choose to be flat out evil. I just refuse to give up to the "it's all bad and there's nothing I can do about it" mentality that I see many people use as an excuse to not try. And if you are one of those people, please don't send me long ranting e-mails about how wrong I am. I don't care. And I am far more stubborn than you can imagine. Now, on to other things.

I have been listening to various people this month describe their holiday celebrations and what they "mean" to them. Some of them even get quite heated about their celebration being the only "true" reason for the holiday. And it occured to me that they have forgotten the most important reason we come together. Love. Love is why we put up with overbearing parents who ask why we don't yet have a spouse/baby/promotion. Why we kill ourselves cooking up the perfect meal we know will be consumed and forgotten within hours. Why we invite that friend/relative of our spouses we really can't stand but they think is wonderful.

But we don't want to talk about love on anything more than a superficial level. We don't really even want to feel it unless we are absolutely sure it's safe. Oh, we say we do. Claim it's the one thing we must have. And then we run screaming in the other direction when confronted with the possibility that we may not be loved in return. And that fear prompts us to fill that hole with anything else we can find that we can pretend shows us love.

It's all very...dysfunctional of us. But is it really necessary? Why can't we just admit to our feelings? Be willing to risk rejection? Could it really be any worse than the messes we twist ourselves into now? And just imagine how much of a difference it would make in our lives. Perhaps that's what we truly fear, not that things would be worse, but that things could be so much better than they are now, and we are just still going along with the status quo.

Could you try it? Try just telling someone you love them, want to spend time with them? Not because it's Christmas, or you happen to be related, but because their presence in your life brings you joy. Make your time together a real holy day.