Slowing Down

I have been ridiculously busy of late, hence my lack of posts. We are in the process of selling our house and buying a lake house, because we want to slow down and have more time to enjoy our family and our lives. All of this has been a bit of an paradox really, as we rush around trying to get our current house ready for sale, and I have even less time than I usually do to devote to practice.

I do still manage to read though(in 5 minute bursts usually), and I just finished an interesting fiction book about Jesus (sort of). The best thing I got out of this book was a version of a walking meditation to use in a labrynth, along with a really lovely version of the Lord's Prayer. I won't reprint the whole thing here, but there were 6 main ideas or areas for contemplation that I will share. They were faith, surrender, service, abundance, forgiveness and strength. The idea was to contemplate each of them in turn while walking the labrynth. And all of this was connected with the idea of slowing down.

Now, slowing down is not an option for me right at the moment, but it doesn't mean I have to be frantic in my thinking. This meditation gave me some great ideas for reframing the busyness I am currently emeshed in, and even using it to help me go deeper into looking for God in all things. The only problem is, now I want a labrynth...

A new "learning oportunity"

Wow. Just got back from a class at my church all about the New Thought perspective on prayer. Tonight we were talking about praying for others and also praying about a particular situation or problem relating to ourselves. And I must say I was stuck.

I have an issue, which I am always looking for "solutions" to, that I used in an exercise we did in class tonight. The idea was to first write out everything wrong or negative about the issue, and then tear up that page and throw it away. Next, we were supposed to find the positives in the issue or situation, or at least the positive potential, and affirm those positives. And I just couldn't. Not one thing in the situation I was using struck me as positive. Not in itself or as a potential. And I was frustrated.

I truly did not think there could be anything positive around this thing. And then my minister (who is brillant BTW), showed me her list. It was not around the same issue, but it all could apply to my issue as well. And it completely changed my perspective. I want to share her list, (which she let me take home), because it was so amazing and I need to really get this.
She wrote; 1. I learn about myself. 2. I am brought to my knees where I have to turn to spirit within. 3. I learn to truly care about the "other" instead of being afraid of them. 4. This points me to the truth about myself and provides an opportunity to get back in the flow as I realize how futile it all is.

I heard this, and realized I had not been going nearly deep enough in this exploration of my "issue". But I'm not discouraged by this at all. In fact, it gives me hope. So, I owe my minister a huge thank you for this insight, and a new "learning oportunity".

Salvation?

Yet another interesting week at my house. We are having our bathroom renovated. By a contractor who is an Evangelical Christian. And who also happens to believe that Satan has a personal hate on for him and interferes in his life on a regular basis. In this persons eyes, Satan is the reason he has to struggle on a daily basis just to get by. And I am also reading the Complete Works of H. Emilie Cady (one of the originators of the New Thought movement). What a contrast!

My contractor believes God is something apart form him, to whom he must give over "stewardship" so to speak of his life, and trust God will take care of him. When the Devil isn't busy screwing with him of course. Now, the holes in this theory are big enough to drive trucks through. But this fellow has a sincere belief and he does not want to hear anything different.

Cady, on the other hand, spent her entire life exploring everything she thought she knew as a Christian about God. And she came to some astounding conclusions that have shaped the lives of many people. But she was always willing to listen openly to another viewpoint. And she wasn't looking for anyone or anything to "save" her. Her sincere beliefe was that God can only work through us as much as we will allow it.

I believe the difference between the two viewpoints is, as another author puts it, about people following the teachings of Jesus, as opposed to the teachings about Jesus. So I've been exploring these ideas, and I wrote a poem. Enjoy. Hope it makes you think.


Let go
of this idea of salvation.
No one is coming to rescue you.
You must be your own hero.
Find the strength
To answer the call
And find your own way home.
Your soul will welcome you
at the door,
And there is a place for you
at the table.

Right Speech?

So, a friend and I had a misunderstanding of words the other day, which got me thinking about the concept of right speech. Now "right speech" is the Buddhist way of talking about what you say. Unfortunately, a lot of people seem to interpret this concept to mean they must only use nice, kind words when speaking to others. Or that they shouldn't say anything negative at all. Ever. I find these type of people tend to be passive-agressive and very frustrating to be around.

Then there is another type, who just never say what they actually mean. Instead, they use inuendo or other verbal gymnastics to say things but not have to own what they are saying. And when called on it they hastily claim to be "misunderstood".

What they seem to be missing in this concept is the idea of not just honesty but integrity in our speech. Where not only do we speak truthfuly, but also clearly and without ambiguity about what we mean. And in return we don't assume we "just know" what someone else meant by something they have said, but instead ask them if what we thought they meant was actually what they meant.

And yes, I know some would protest "but what about poetry or story telling?" Ambiguity has a place there! Which I would agree with. Words can be fun and stimulating things to play with. They can open our minds to all sorts of interesting possibilities.

But what is really served by using these tactics in our daily lives? Usually we are just protecting ourselves in some fashion. Afraid of being judged or ridiculed or having someone be angry with us. So instead we end up with all sorts of assumptions and hurt feelings and misunderstandings, which is really messier and harder to untangle.

What we could have instead is real freedom in our speech. Not having to worry about how to "put" somthing to get what we want, or avoid what we don't want. And not getting blindsided by someone elses' interpretation of what we said. What it takes though is courage. Being willing to open up your actual thoughts and feelings to possible criticism. It's a great willpower booster. And if more people tried it, imagine how many politicians and lawyers we could get rid of!

Poetry For The End Of The Year

So we've made it to the end of another year, mostly intact. Like many others this has been a rough year for me. One of the things that has gotten me through has been writing poetry. Some of this was from experiences this year, and some from past issues I've been "processing". I don't usually title my poems, so I'll just put each one in it's own paragraph. Enjoy.

I entered the forest at dawn
The trees still quietly dripping
from last nights rain.
The earth greedily drinking
the moisture, releasing lush smells
of spring and renewal.
There was fog-
Stilling the air like
an indrawn breath,
A lover waiting to exhale
At the touch of the Beloved,
The first kiss of the morning.


You never held me
As tenderly as I imagined,
As the Beloved holds me now.
It's me who holds you
I need only open my hands
to be free.
But you would fall,
the fire consume you.
I wanted to be your light
Never knowing how much
You loved the darkness.


I'm torn by this hunger
this need to be near you
Frustration, disapointment, anger,
none of it changes this connection.
I'm like a fish on a line-
And though I keep struggling,
Wanting my freedom
I can't shut you out
And the biggest irony is
You're not trying to get in.
I guess I could accept
your not wanting me easier
If I could only not want you
Back.


Wow. After reading that over it may seem like I had a pretty awful year. And it really wasn't, or large parts of it weren't anyway. I guess I just have a gift for channeling angst. That seems to be where my poetry mostly goes. So, no pretty rhymes about roses for me. That's okay, I'm easily bored by cute anyway.

In fact,I've never fit into a neat, easily labeled package, and I think that's the case for many others. I also think a good number of those people go around quietly hoping no one notices what freaks they are. Thinking they are in some weird minority that no one wants to have any contact with. When really, the freaks probably outnumber the "normals". And I guess that is partly true, unfortunately. The not wanting to have contact with freaks part I mean. People as a general rule do seem to be uncomfortable with "different". But I just want to say, I like different! I like weird! I even on occasion like freaky! And I hope everyone, normal or freaky, finds a way to get themselves through another year. Happy New Year!

What are holidays about?

I discarded a lot of ideas for what I wanted to write about in this first blog. The truth is I'm still rather conflicted about writing here at all. I don't want to sound preachy or out of touch with how the world actually works. So for the record, though I dislike talking about myself, I should make it clear that I am fully aware of how much the world and all of it's inhabitants can suck. That many people can and do choose to be flat out evil. I just refuse to give up to the "it's all bad and there's nothing I can do about it" mentality that I see many people use as an excuse to not try. And if you are one of those people, please don't send me long ranting e-mails about how wrong I am. I don't care. And I am far more stubborn than you can imagine. Now, on to other things.

I have been listening to various people this month describe their holiday celebrations and what they "mean" to them. Some of them even get quite heated about their celebration being the only "true" reason for the holiday. And it occured to me that they have forgotten the most important reason we come together. Love. Love is why we put up with overbearing parents who ask why we don't yet have a spouse/baby/promotion. Why we kill ourselves cooking up the perfect meal we know will be consumed and forgotten within hours. Why we invite that friend/relative of our spouses we really can't stand but they think is wonderful.

But we don't want to talk about love on anything more than a superficial level. We don't really even want to feel it unless we are absolutely sure it's safe. Oh, we say we do. Claim it's the one thing we must have. And then we run screaming in the other direction when confronted with the possibility that we may not be loved in return. And that fear prompts us to fill that hole with anything else we can find that we can pretend shows us love.

It's all very...dysfunctional of us. But is it really necessary? Why can't we just admit to our feelings? Be willing to risk rejection? Could it really be any worse than the messes we twist ourselves into now? And just imagine how much of a difference it would make in our lives. Perhaps that's what we truly fear, not that things would be worse, but that things could be so much better than they are now, and we are just still going along with the status quo.

Could you try it? Try just telling someone you love them, want to spend time with them? Not because it's Christmas, or you happen to be related, but because their presence in your life brings you joy. Make your time together a real holy day.